Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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