what day is it and did you see me today?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Can I color on your dick again?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
