I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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