I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize