I hate your face
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
