i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
