I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
