My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize