First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My life is pants optional.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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