i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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