Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
