Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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