you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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