i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
