just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
