Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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