I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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