is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
