just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
