yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
