Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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