bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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