I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
