Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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