chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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