You just made me feel so damn special
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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