Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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