Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
