He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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