you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
