I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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