Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
