four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
