Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
