Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize