Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
