Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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