Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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