I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
