Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
