I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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