i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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