Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
