sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
