i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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