I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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