i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
