Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
