Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
