I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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