Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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