just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
