it wasn't lemon gatorade
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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