I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
