dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
All I want is dick and wine.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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