Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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