dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
