I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Randomize
