So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
