So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
