So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
