I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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