I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
NoShamevember. You game?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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