Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
