So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He shit in the fireplace
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
