If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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